What’s On The Pope’s Bucket List?


The Pope is retiring. This is something the world has not seen in something like 700 years. Usually they serve until they drop.

There’s been lots of speculation about intrigue behind the scenes at The Vatican. Is he being pushed out?  Is there some deep, dark secret from his past that he’s being blackmailed with? Is his time in the Hitler Youth coming back to haunt him?

I think it’s something entirely different and not at all sinister. He’s 86 years old and his health has not been great in recent years. I think he has things he’d like to do while he can. Things that he’s always wanted to do but, for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is his job, he has not gotten around to doing yet.

In short, I think Pope Benedict XVI has a bucket list:

  • Join the cast of Dancing With The Stars –  The new cast will be revealed just two days before the Pontiff steps down – coincidence? I think not. He’ll be paired with Kym Johnson and lead off the competition with a hot rumba. I can almost hear Len Goodman saying, “Your holiness, I’d like to see a little more hip action.”


  • Ride the Kinda Ka – At 45 stories, the Kinda Ka is the tallest roller coaster on Earth. Seconds after hearing the warning “Arms down, head back, and hold on,” his Eminence will be blasted to 128mph in just 3.5 seconds, roll 90 degrees, and then Imageplummet 418 feet before being flipped upside down. It’s a hell of a ride and has to be experienced first hand. He might want to remove his Papal Mitre (hat) before the ride.


  • Visit Las Vegas – In all his travels, Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger has never visited Las Vegas. Once he shucks his Papal Vestments for a nice leisure suit, there’ll be no stopping him – think Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man. He’s cutting loose in Sin City and, where’s he’s staying? Caesar’s Palace of course. Maybe they can get him to officiate at the Elvis Chapel? Remember, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas….baby.


  • Take a Pilgrimage to the Fanta Factory – Here’s a little known fact…. Pope Benedict XVI is a Fanta junky. He drinks 4 Fanta’s a day. Think about it, if you’re the spiritual leader of 1.1 Billion Roman Catholics, the list of vices in which you can indulge, without getting into serious trouble, is pretty short. If drinking sugary, sweet tonic does it for him, more power to him. And remember, Muslim’s are required to visit Mecca, Buddhists make pilgrimage to Lumbini, Hidu’s have a whole pilgrimage circuit, so if the Pope goes on an odyssey to the birthplace of Fanta, who’s to blame him?


  • Paraglide – If he’s going back to Germany to visit the Fanta shrine, he’s got to Imageparaglide over Neuschwanstein castle. It’s a castle that makes Cinderella’s Castle in Disney World look down right dumpy.


  • Go Skydiving – If George H. W. Bush can jump out of a plane to celebrate his 85th birthday, then there’s no reason the former Holy Father can’t do the same. The Pope has been called “Bold” and “Fearless.” It’s time to strap on some silk and show the world how much faith he has.


  • Join Christianmingle.com – I know he’s still a priest but there’s nothing in the handbook that says he can’t meet interesting women, maybe go to dinner and and take in a show, right? Let’s face it, Christianmingle.com could just as well be called Not_getting_any.com anyway. So what’s the harm? Their slogan is “Find God’s Match For You.” I ask you, who’s more entitled to find God’s match than the former Pope? And, by the way, he ought to get a discount.


  • Ultimate Mobster Movie Marathon – For His Excellency, there may be nothing more relaxing then spending a rainy afternoon curled up on the couch for an American gangster movie marathon – The Godfather, Scarface, Reservoir Dogs, and Goodfellas all in one glorious sitting. His love of violent mob movies is not well known, but it does explain a rebuke recently given a giggly Cardinal:

“You mean, let me understand this, ’cause, ya know maybe it’s me, I’m a little fucked up maybe, but I’m funny how? I mean funny like I’m a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny? Funny how? How am I funny?”

  • Bungee Jump – Who doesn’t have this on his/her bucket list? For Pope Benedict, only the 716 foot Bloukrans Bridge Bungee in South Africa will do. Eight full seconds of free fall while being buffeted by wicked cross winds makes this one of the scariest of all jumps. It’s a must-do for the Ex-Pontiff. It’s the ultimate Pope on a rope.

I know, I know. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, go straight to Hell.

He’s the Pope but he’s also a man. He has to have things he would have liked to have done. Everyone’s got a bucket list and even if it’s not practical, it’s fun to think about, right?

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