A Confession


I’m hooked.

I can’t shake it.

No matter how hard I try, I end up back in the grips of my addiction. I can go months without a fix, but then, out of the blue, I’m right back into it again.

We all laugh about Lindsey Lohan and shake our heads when the recovering addict slips and goes back to his or her self-destructive ways.

I’m no better – I’m a hypocrite, because I’ve got my own monkey on my back.

It started when I was a kid. I don’t know if it was the freedom of being on my own, free of my parents oversight for a few hours a day, or if I’m just wired wrong. I was working and earning my own money – had no need to account for every cent. I could do what I wanted when I wanted and I wasn’t accountable to anyone but the customers on my paper route.

And, as it always seems to go, my habit has gotten progressively more expensive over the years.

I’m hopelessly hooked on Hostess Fruit Pies. Apple, always apple.

When I started, and that must be 1971 or 1972, I could pick one up at Dutchland’s Market, our local convenience store, for 12¢ a pie. And I got into the habit of picking one up every single day.

Now, and I bought one just a couple of weeks ago at Rite Aid, they’re $1.49.

I’ve got to kick this habit. I’ll ruin myself if I keep this up.

I did a little research and confirmed my suspicions. The packaging hasn’t changed much – maybe that’s part of the appeal – it looks like and feels like the same sugar-high-producer that I did as a kid.

One big change, and apparently this was a big issue in the fruit pie world, Hostess got rid of the Fruit Pie Magician. Honestly, I was always in such a frenzy to open the wrapper that I never even noticed him. But, I guess he ment a lot to some folks.

The Fruit Pie Magician has gone to a better place.

Google “Fruit Pie Magician” and you’ll get 1,120 results including a Wikipedia listing and a site dedicated to saving the Fruit Pie Magician.

I feel like the pies have changed over the years – there seems to be less sugar coating than I remember and, the odds are, there’s less fruit too.

But, it’s a little pie that packs a real junk food punch. Each Apple pie weighs in at a hefty 480 calories each. That includes 22 grams of fat, an outrageous 67 grams of carbs (36 from sugar) and a pathetic 3 grams of protein.

It’s an efficient sugar/fat delivery system – probably just about like mainlining all that sweet goop.

I don’t think I’m as strong as John Lennon was. I can’t walk away. I can’t quit like he did. I can’t do it Cold Turkey:

My body is aching
Goose-pimple bone
Can’t see no body
Leave me alone

My eyes are wide open
Can’t get to sleep
One thing I’m sure of
I’m in at the deep freeze

Cold turkey as got me on the run.

They get you hooked when you’re a kid.

Hello, my name is Mark and I’m a Hostess fruit-pie-aholic.

5 Responses to “A Confession”

  1. 1 Anne

    OMG that was so funny… I understand the addiction.. I beat it years ago when it was hard to explain why I was buying that junk food.. Be strong.. you can beat this addiction…

  2. 2 Ed

    I LOVED apple fruit pies as a child. Still do as an adult, but haven’t had one in a while.

  3. Throw in a cup of coffee, and I’m in!

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